i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
