my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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