What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
