Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
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So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
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the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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