plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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