cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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