The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize