it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
