I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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