I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
