i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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