Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
