Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
