Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
