How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just forgot I was standing up.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
