Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
