I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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