I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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