I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he fucked my hip out of place.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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