I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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