just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
