When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
