Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
