It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
