Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
