I wannas sexs uuuuu
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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