My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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