Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Found your dick twin last night
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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