News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
