I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
