I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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