At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
