Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
