Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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