Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
