so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
