she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just cropdusted the office
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
