No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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