so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
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