Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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