i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
