Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
