Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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