I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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