Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
