he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
