Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
