Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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