If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
