Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
