I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
