I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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