dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
