I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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