So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
