i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
