Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
