Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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