dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
