i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
