A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
