Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
